Just ask Voldie!
by Khorale
Summary: Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Interesting results shown.Slight Voldemort OOC. Letter Voldie for advise today! I'm sure he won't mind...
1. Horcrux Hunt

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: **1

**Word count: **83

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **none at the moment

**Parings: **none

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Hilarious results shown. Poke fun of magical theory.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie<p>

Help! I have discovered a horcrux inside hogwarts! What should I do?

-Harry James Potter.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Mr. Harry James Potter<em>

_Feed it to a dementor. They suck souls, don't they? So they would suck out the soul from the horcrux. If that doesn't work, feed it to a patronus. The pureness will eliminate the horcrux's evil, rendering it useless._

_Other suggestions:_

_1. Fiendfyre_

_2. Killing curse  
><em>

_-Voldemort_

* * *

><p><strong>Private message me and ask Voldie some questions too!<strong>_  
><em>


	2. Immortality Ideas

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: **2

**Word count: **87

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **none at the moment

**Parings: **none

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Interesting results shown. Poke fun of magical theory.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie<p>

I'm a dark wizard in the making. Could you tell me the real story behind your immortality and why you still look about 30.

- random dark wizard

* * *

><p><em>Dear Mr random dark wizard<em>

_De-aging potions. Lots of them. I made one specially to keep my memories and when I reach the physical age of 40, I drank enough for me to go back 20 years. _

_-Voldemort  
><em>


	3. Time Trap

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: **3

**Word count: **162

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **none at the moment

**Parings: **none

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Interesting results shown. Poke fun of magical theory.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie<p>

I'm a time traveler, accidentally transported here from seven years in the future. Will I create a paradox? Will my appearance here mess everything up? If so, please help!

- Hermione Jane Granger

* * *

><p><em>Dear Ms Hermione Jane Granger<em>

_I suspected that no, the timeline will not be messed up. If the timeline's messed up, we would have seen the symptoms already! When you came here, the original timeline split off and this is just an alternative universe. Your time is not harmed. For you to go back I would suggest jumping in random portals to other worlds. There are only a million or so of them. You'll get home in no time at all._

_The other thing you might try to get back is to invent a time machine and simply go from there._

_-Voldemort_


	4. Wandering Werewolves

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: **4

**Word count: **86

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **none at the moment

**Parings: **none

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Interesting results shown. Poke fun of magical theory. Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie<p>

Help! I'm a werewolf! Do you know a cure for my condition?

-Remus John Lupin

* * *

><p><em>Dear Mr Remus John Lupin<em>

_One thing I suggest: Wolfbane potion laced with silver. Wolfbane keeps your brain human while the silver destroys the wolf part of you. Then, voila! You're back to human! Warning: This has never been attempted before so the probability of death is 40%._

_-Voldemort_


	5. Bothering Blunders

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: **5

**Word count: **158

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **7

**Parings: **none

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. very interesting results shown. Poke fun of magical theory. Voldemort OOC.

**Authors note: **Hi everyone! I know some of you have reviewed your questions for Voldemort, but I wasn't posting any of your questions. I actually hadn't noticed if anyone reviewed. The website doesn't remind me like they used to before they upgraded everything... I'm sorry. So here's one from marissa gnokawiz! enjoy!

* * *

><p>Dear voldykins,<p>

I am very angry with this dudewhokeeps teasing me i want toknow a good curse easy but effective curse to use on him that will tech hima lesson but not get me detention. Any recomondations?

-marrissa gnokawiz

* * *

><p><em>Dear Ms<em> _marrissa gnokawiz_

_Well, I would recommend a few crucios or other dark curses, but decided not for the sake of not getting in trouble (not that I cared, so don't get any ideas). Second choices are, the bat-bogey hex, which involves pulsing masses of bat shaped boogers dive-bombing the victim and covering them in disgusting green slime._

_Choice three is oblivate. Perform any curses (I prefer the crippling ones) and heal them, then oblivate the victim so the victim wouldn't remember anything, much less reporting to a teacher._

_-Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	6. Lovely Longing

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: **6

**Word count: **291

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **10

**Parings: **none

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. very interesting results shown. Poke fun of magical theory. Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note: **To **DZMom**: I delete all my messages in hotmail, so how am I suppose to mark this as safe?

P.S I'm bored right now, so I'm updating rapidly. The next chapter should come in about... 10 minutes

* * *

><p>Dear V,<p>

I have a crush on an ugly, dark-arts wizard. I'm supposed to be a tool [humor intended] for the Light. What should I do?

-DZMom

* * *

><p><em>Dear MsMrs DZMom_

_If you really are a tool for the light... Wait, are you sure you're not Harry Potter in disguise? I could have sworn... nevermind. Well, the first thing you need to do is to confront that guy (I'm guessing you're not homosexual) and tell him about his feelings. And, uh, don't drag me into this. I suck at all this 'love' stuff. They're weak and so filled with 'Dumbledoreness' that it makes me gag._

_A little secret: The true reason why I hated love and never have children is... the Talk. I dread giving children 'the Talk'. I never wanted to reveal that information. In war, never reveal your weakness. I could be turned into a laughingstock at the dark side for this!_

_Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	7. Destroying Dementors

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: **7

**Word count: **294

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **10

**Parings: **none

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note:** Somebody requested a dementor letter, and I have just the letter in store! Though I added Ron in there because that person suggested the 'Gingers don't have souls' part.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie<p>

I'm wondering if you know how to create a dementor? If they're not created, but naturally born, where did they come from? Do you know any possible ways to KILL a dementor instead of driving them off? What do I do if one of them decides to Kiss me?

-Sirius Orion Black and Ronald Bilius Weasley

* * *

><p><em>Dear Mr Sirius Orion Black and Ronald Bilius Weasly<br>_

_You sure have a lot of questions. First of all, dementors are created. Actually, it's rather simple technique but practically unheard of in the side of the light. Why else do you think the dementors bow down to us? Dark Wizards are their creators. So to create one, you cast the patronus charm, but with horrible memories. Only wisps will come out. That's the primary form._

_The form then split to two parts. The substantial parts turns into a boggart, and the solidified part is a dementor. One feeds on fear and the other on happiness._

_To kill one is to either spray any form of chocolate on it or cast a quick cheering charm on it. Their senses will then overload and the dementor will be no more._

_If one of them decides to Kiss you, you're as good as dead. Unless you can still cast a patronus in so close range of a dementor. Though Mr Weasley wouldn't be affected. Gingers don't have souls.  
><em>

_Hope you find that helpful and if you leak this information to anyone, I would personally crucio you myself._

_- Lord Voldemort_


	8. Normally Nosey

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: **8

**Word count: **170

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **12

**Parings: **none

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie<p>

How come you don't have a nose?

-Simply Curious

* * *

><p><em>Dear Mr Simply Curious<em>

_It's really rude to ask people about their appearances, more so if said appearance is deformed. Just you wait and one day I would find a way of delivering crucios by mail._

_The story started when I was sixteen and made my first h*****x(confidential information). I just killed a muggleborn girl when unleashing a basilisk in Hogwarts. The Basilisk bit off my nose. But I got a antidote for their venom, so I was okay... well, except for the part where I got my nose bitten off. I used several advanced wards and illusion charms to hide my noseless condition from everyone else. My debut as Lord Voldemort went much smoother than it would have. After all, who wouldn't be afraid of a fellow without a nose?_

_Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	9. Manipulative Man

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter: 9**

**Word count: **138

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **14

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Voldemort OOC. Dumbledore Bashing!

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie<p>

My pawn's growing independent! I need him to fight an evil dark lord for me and manipulate him into killing himself like a good sacrificial lamb, but now he's rebelling since he found out some of my manipulations. Help!

-Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

* * *

><p><em>Dear Mr Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore<em>

_Just cast an imperio on them to get it over with. If you want anything more legal, then too bad. Why should I provide minions to my enemy?_

_But if you insist, put some potions in your lemon drop when offering them one. Otherwise, get one of those brains in the department of mysteries. They have controlling powers._

_- Voldemort_


	10. Doormat Wannabe

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 10

**Word count: **138

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **16

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie,<p>

Do you have to have a cute nickname to be a homicidal psychopath?

- Kinda wanted to be a dark wizard

* * *

><p><em>Dear Mr Kinda wanted to be a dark wizard<br>_

_I assure you, Voldemort is my real name! Not my nickname! Why does mostly every one refer me to Tom Riddle? Just ignore what Dumbledore tells you. Second of all, my name is not 'cute'. It's meant to be frightening. As for being a dark wizard, you're welcome in the death eaters as long as you accept the dark mark, don't annoy or challenge me, allow me as your leader and crucio you after each meeting._

_Lord Voldemort (NOT Tom Riddle! Dammit old man...)_


	11. The Talk

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 11

**Word count: **232

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **18

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear Lord Voldemort,<p>

Here I was thinking you were of the "all-powerful" type of Dark Lord. No, no, it would not do any good to become a laughing stock on the side of evil just because of a miserable episode of "The Talk."

Hey, perhaps you could Imperious Madam Hooch into giving "The Talk" to Hogwarts 1st Years when they learn how to ride broomsticks. By making the school discuss this dreaded subject, you would be free to produce an heir without any dreaded side effects.. Unfortunately, my ovaries are not the most cooperative at the moment, so I'll have to beg off of the honor of being the lucky lady.

Well, if you can't give me any advice, I will have to suffer my affliction of emotion in misery. Thanks for nothing, DVD. (Dark Lord Dunderhead)

Insincerely,

DZMom

PS, Please don't share my question with any Death Eaters. Being asked about such a sensitive topic would be rather awkward during an epic battle of Good v Evil.

* * *

><p><em>Dear DZMom<em>

_First of all, DVD does not stand for 'dark lord dunderhead'. That's DLD. Second, I am now wondering where you live so I can come and kill you._

_Yours,_

_Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	12. Silencing Witnesses

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 12

**Word count:141**

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **20

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear, voldykins:<p>

I got in trouble! There were stinkin witnesses for merlins sake! How did i for get that! But now I would like very much to get back the witnesses with not a curse this time but an elabrate prank! any ideas?

marissa gnokawiz

* * *

><p><em>Dear Ms marissa gnokawiz<em>

_Kill all witnesses and wipe everyone's memories. That's the fastest and easiest way of getting out of a bind. Or, you could crucio them. But as for a more legal way... Go find the Weasley twins for supplies. They got all sort of untraceable pranking objects. You could use the draw dark marks on their arms while in history class, then call the aurors... Well, I'm no professional at pranking._

_Lord Voldemort_


	13. CRUCIO!

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 13

**Word count:**83

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **22

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear, voldykins<p>

out of respect I would like to ask you...Where do you do your shopping! I loooooovveee your look and want to give it a try myself! And also i saw the most darling tupee when i was shopping it's inclosed in theis letter hope you like it!

~ Dark lady marrissa

* * *

><p><em>Dear Dark lady marrissa<em>

CRUCIO!

_From_

_Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	14. Awkward

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 14

**Word count: **465**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **24

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dearest Voldie,<p>

Well, crap fried on a stick! I was wondering why people kept on telling me I weren't supposed to call you Vord Loldemort. Now I know.

Have you ever flown across the pond to visit the colonies? It would be best to visit me for a kedavra in the summer time. It's awful cold up north. But not as cold as Canada. Which just goes to show how awesome it is to live in my nation ... as a Muggle, no less. Oh, you didn't know Muggles had joined the fight? I wouldn't miss it, unless it's during "As the World Turns." Do you even know what a Telly is? Poor, sheltered dark wizard. I have such a soft spot for your type in my heart. No, seriously, it is a soft, squishy spot from all the hexes, jinks and curses sent by wizards who just want me to leave them alone, "for Merlin's sake."

Oh, Voldie, did you really mean it when you said you'd come and kill me? If we are careful, we can arrange our little tryst while my husband is at work. Oh, that would be delightful! And I'll finally be able to see a dark wizard's wand. Can I touch it? Now don't be shy. You probably have the longest wand in the west. Oh my.

Awaiting your warm curses,

DZMom

P.S. You still won't tell the Death Eaters about me writing to you, will you? The shame if they make fun of my DVD error!

P.P.S. Tell your familiar that my email is all screwy now, too, and I'll need to find an owl to get notifications of the latest missives from the desk of The Lark Dord

* * *

><p>.<em>Dear DZMom<em>

_THAT'A IT! I'M SENDING NAGINI HERE TO EAT YOU!_

_P.S Crucio! _Crucio!_ Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio! _Crucio!_ _Crucio!________________________

___________________________________________P.P.S For the grand final... AVADA KEDAVERA!_

_P.P.P.S Mua haa haa haa haa!  
><em>


	15. Guessing Game

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 15

**Word count: 104****  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **27

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear Moldyshorts,<p>

You'll never guess who I am!

Heres a hint so you won't use you're tiny brain too much: You wanted to kill me since I was young!

I Hate You,

I-am-not-Saying-Who-I-am-So-Ha!

Ps: How come you're bald Voldie?

* * *

><p><em>Dear I hate you<em>

_POTTER! _

_PS It's rude to ask someone off their looks. I used to look a lot like a human, but after being resurrected after living off Nagini's 'milk'... Well, snakes don't have hair._

_Lord Voldemort_


	16. Muggles are annoying

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 16

**Word count: 49****  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **28

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>dear voldikins<p>

I would avadakadavra you but out of my slight respect for Harry Potter...

CRUCIO! to you too!

~dark lady marrissa

* * *

><p><em>Dear dark lady marissa<em>

_DIE, MUGGLE!_

_Voldemort_


	17. Naive Voldemort

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 17

**Word count: 72****  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **33

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note**: Hey everyone! im sorry for the late update. It's just that my computer is over-ran by virus so i had to find time in some public computer/mobile. until this mess is sorted out, expect less often update!

* * *

><p>Lord, You are a naughty wizard. What will the Order say when they discover that you have a penchant for Crucioing ladies like marissa willy-nilly?<p>

Put-your-wand-back-in-your-pants-this-instant-Mom

* * *

><p><em>Dear Put-your-wand-back-in-your-pants-this-instant-Mom<em>

_I do NOT put my wand in my pants. It's up mu SLEEVE! And, the Order will not find out. They're just dull like that._

_Voldemort_


	18. FINALLY SOME PAIRINGS!

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 18

**Word count: **54**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **36

**Parings: **Bella loves Voldemort, though he doesn't love her back

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dark lord, sir,<p>

Do you think that Bellatrix Black Lestrange is beautiful?

What are your other thoughts about her?

Sincerely,

absolutely not Bellatrix.

* * *

><p><em>Dear absolutely not Bellatrix<em>

_NO!_

_-Voldemort_


	19. DIE ALREADY!

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 19

**Word count: 318****  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **38

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear Dark Lord,<p>

An anonymous client wishes to send you the transcript of the following Deathly Prophet announcement.

Start.

A Muggle known only to the Wizarding Community as DZMom was discovered dead. The Magical Burreau of Invetigation arrived shortly after a strange skull-shaped cloud was reported over the residence of the victim.

MBI agents say that she lay dead in her computer chair. An email purportedly written by You-Know-Who was found open on the computer.

Further investigation by MBI agents familiar with Muggle "Computron" technology discovered a video recording of the events that transpired when the Muggle read the e-email.

First, she chuckled and muttered, "I really got under the cute wizard's skin now. He made a typo!"

Then she cried in agony, "Ouch! Aaagh! Ugghhh! Owwwwww! Please, noooooo mooooooore! Aaahhhhhhh!"

Before she died, mysterious background music from the very, very outdated movie _Beaches_ began to play.

Bet Midler's voice crooned over the sobs of the tortured woman, "Did I ever tell you you're my hero?

You're everything, everything I wish I could be.

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

"Oh, the wind beneath my wings.

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings."

No further investigation will be pursued. That's One more notch in You-Know-Which-Belt.

Stop.

Sir, Your Darkness, please do not Crucio the Messenger. I beg you!

Sincerely yours,  
>Magical Counsel, Esq.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Dear Magical Counsel, Wsq.<em>

_Avada Kedavera for you all then._

_With great satisfaction, Voldemort_


	20. Do you miss Quirrel?

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 20

**Word count: **74**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **40

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note:** I GRADUATED TODAY! EVERYBODY CHEER FOR ME!

* * *

><p>Voldie:<br>I was curious- do you ever miss quirrel? And have you ever seen AVPM or AVPS? If so, what was your reaction to it?

Sincerely,

She-who-must-not-be-named

* * *

><p><em>Dear She-who-must-not-be-named<em>

_Do. Not. Steal. My. Title! And of course I don't miss that quivering little weakling! And I have never seen AMPm/AVPS._

_Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	21. The Deeep dark forest

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 21

**Word count: **74**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **Too lazy to count

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note:** Sorry for the late update, guys! I was just enjoying the laziness of a summer break... ZzZzZzZzZzZz... *snore*... zZzZzZzZzZ...*Snore*

* * *

><p>Dear voldikins,<p>

I am not a muggle! I am but a sorceress living deeeeep within the dark forest...which suprisingly enough has tons of free wi-fi...

~Dark lady marrissa

* * *

><p><em>Dear Dark Lady marissa<em>

_Yes you are a muggle, well compared to ME. My magic level are so high they're AWSOMELY OFF THE SCALE!_

_-Voldie_


	22. That isolent brat

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 22

**Word count: **133**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **43

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note:** Sorry for the late update, guys! I was just enjoying the laziness of a summer break...

* * *

><p>Dearest Voldie,<p>

I am so very sorry I insulted your pride. If only I had known maybe I wouldn't have been so cruel.

But then again I wouldn't have.

So I have one thing I wanted to say to you ever since you came back. And I don't care if you cruico me 'till I end up in St. Mungo's.

Screw you.

I'm-going-to-get-cruico'd-anyway-so-Harry Potter

Ps. Also, why don't you have a nose? A lot of people probably ask you that, but Im just curious.

* * *

><p><em>POTTER, YOU INSOLENT BRAT!<em>

_Just wait till I find a way to deliver Avada Kedaveras by mail!_

_-Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	23. Dear poser with weird looks

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 23

**Word count: **192**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **435

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear Poser with weird looks,<p>

Im guessing you bad sir are a horrible person who liked My Immortal uggghhh  
>damn and fyi i dont know about you but here in canada Dark Lords actually follow the Evil Overlord List<br>so id suggest going to get a 5 year old to be an advisor before trying to get Harry Potter again.  
>Oh and BTW minus Britain cause its wizarding world is stupid but the rest of the wizarding worlds are already under<br>the dominion of a dar lord their all MINE.

Sincerly,

The True EVIL DARK Lord.

PS: Reducto, Expelliarmus and Bombarda!

PSS: Hahahaha i did something you couldn't harry potter is now one of my minions!

* * *

><p><em>Dear...<em>

_Wait. Just. One. Minute!_

_You are not the true evil dark lord! That title belongs to **ME!**_

_PS Crucio, Crucio, and Crucio_

_PPS What? Potter'd never join such a lame wizard as you!_


	24. Long Lost Children

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 24

**Word count: **96**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **47(last chapter's review count was a mistake, sorry for those who're confused!)

**Parings: **none

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie,<p>

Do you have any long-lost children? I would love to be one. We could roast marshmallows, and kill muggles, and play hide-and-seek, and kill muggles, and fly brooms, and kill muggles.

Sincerely yours,

Emily Morris

P.S. You can call me Emma.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Emma<em>

_Finally somebody shows me respect! I hate being mocked by letters all day long. I don't care anything about marshmellows, brooms, or hide-and-seek. Though killing muggles sounded nice_

_-Voldie_


	25. Crazed Crush

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 25

**Word count: **65**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **48

**Parings: **Bella/Voldemort, Voldie in denial.**  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note:** Send your letter to Voldie today! Any insults, advises, or questions are welcome (to me anyways. Voldie'd just insult you back)

* * *

><p>Dark lord, sir,<p>

What do you think of Bellatrix Lestrange, then, if not beautiful?

Absolutely not Bellatrix

* * *

><p><em>Dear absolutely not Bellatrix<em>

_You better be honest about not being Bella or the next time I see you, you will end up as a pile of shredded meat!_

_-Lord Voldemort_


	26. And Potter wins AGAIN!

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 26

**Word count:** 506**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **51

**Parings: **none**  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note:** Send your letter to Voldie today! Any insults, advises, or questions are welcome (to me anyways. Voldie'd just insult you back)

* * *

><p>Dearest Lord Moldywart,<p>

I've discovered why you are so bitter.

First, you feel different. Frowny face, right? You felt excluded, no one likes you blah blah blah. No big surprise there. But then you are a wizard! Oooh, fancy. You are very excited. You're put into Slytherin. Woot, woot, lifes a party! Handsome, good grades, and all that. So you find out about Horcruxes. Yay, you might be immortal now! :D AND THEN YOU BECOME THE WORLD'S DARKEST WIZARD. Snap. Living large.

And you're all good, Avada Kedvaraing like there ain't no tomorrow. Then Lily and James Potter come along, and their little tyke oh-so-cute might be the thing that kills ya. And Severus has a thing for Lily, so you swear to spare her, blah blah blah. So you go to their house after using Pettigrew and kill James. And then Lily's all stubborn and stuff. So you kill her too, deal with Severus later. Then you go to kill the kid.

AND IT BACKFIRES.

Pwned by a baby, dude. That's just pathetic, right? So you go all cynical and zombie/undead/whatever.

Twelve years later and Potter goes to Hogwarts.

Talk Quirrel into giving you a piggy back ride, so to speak. Try and get him to steal the stone.

POTTER COMES. WINS AGAIN.

Now a twelve year old beat you. You start to get a pretty low self-esteem.

Use a Weasley to get into the chamber. The girl. You got this. Give her a diary, let her blab about her feelings, pretend you care, whatevs. Start wiping out those mudbloods and traitors.

OH WAIT A SECOND. POTTER COMES YET AGAIN.

Third years boring. Sirius Black breaks outta Azkaban. No Big Deal.

Fourth year comes. One of your followers gets Potter into the Triwizard Cup. You come back.

AND THERE AINT NOTHING POTTER COULD DO ABOUT IT.

Potter doesn't die. BUT NEITHER DO YOU, VOLDY! BONUS!

Fifth year comes, Potter and Dumbles are mad...blah.

Order is back. Try and get the Prophecy. Fail.

Kill Sirius though. Fangirls still are Crucio-ing you for that one.

BTW, CRUCIO.

So sixth year comes.

Kill Dumbles. He steals your Horcrux though.

Seventh year, you're cool, you're hip.

The whole wizarding world? Trembling in fear. Especially your followers, but that's not the point.

Final battle comes.

Harry Potter comes to you. Tries to let you kill him.

AND HE STILL LIVES.

You quite literally die a little inside. So final battle or whatever.

THE BRAT DEFEATS YOU AGAIN.

I have a question.

Why do you suck so much, dearest Moldywart?

Sincerely,

Someone Need A Hug?

* * *

><p><em>Dear someone needs a hug<em>

_Even though you sympathizes in me, Shut up._

_P.S Crucio for you too._

_-Voldemort_


	27. Appalling Appearances

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 27

**Word count:** 72**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **I am too lazy to count

**Parings: **none**  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

**Author's note:** Send your letter to Voldie today! Any insults, advises, or questions are welcome (to me anyways. Voldie'd just insult you back)

* * *

><p>Dear Voldyshorts,<p>

How did you go from drop dead georgeous to whatever you are now?

Lovingly,

LUNA GURLZ

* * *

><p><em>Dear LUNA GURLZ<em>

_I only care about power not appearance. I delve into dark art, so what? I mutilated myself, so what? I am now the most powerful being in the world!_

_Lord Voldemort_


	28. Throwing Up

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 28

**Word count:** 122**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **fifty something...

**Parings: **none**  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: **Do I look like I own Harry Potter?

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

* * *

><p>Dearest voldykins,<p>

I found some backround music for your life! Because every selfrespecting villan has a theme song so I decided this is yours... * We belong together by Maria carey plays in the backround* Just picture it your about to kill harry then one of the deatheaters pulls out a boombox and...

~ Dark lady Marrissa

Ps. Dont even pretend it wasnt your ringtone alrady...

* * *

><p><em>Dear dark lady marrissa<em>

_No way do we belong to each other! That's just..._

* throwing up in the background*

_Ugh... that's just like asking if I love someone!_

_-Voldemort_


	29. Plz read Author note

**Story: **Just ask Voldie!

**Chapter:** 29

**Word count:** 71**  
><strong>

**Author: **Khorale

**Review count: **67

**Parings: **none**  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: **Do I look like I own Harry Potter?

**Summary: **Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE:** the next chapter is not a letter, but an epilogue. I'm ending this story. Don't worry, I'm posting a sequel up!. I'm doing this since if there are too many chapters, people would often get bored or confused as to which chapter contains what letter. The titles might also overlap.

Sorry! (3

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

Quick question, do you get called Baldemort, often? Or even Boldemort?

Sincerely, I mean, the "v" is right next to the "b"...

* * *

><p><em>Dear<em>

_No, I haven't been called any of that. Though I take offense at the baldemort. Why do people make fun of my appearance so much?_

_-Voldie  
><em>


	30. Epilogue

**Hello here everyone! It's Khorale here! Just to inform you that the sequel is now up! **

**This chapter is not a letter, I told you, it's the epilogue.**

**The name of the sequel is **Letter Adventures**.**

* * *

><p>Voldemort rubbed his forehead tiredly as he stared at the huge stack of letters still unread in front of him.<p>

"I wonder if there are any spells for cloning." He mused as he took out another letter.

He read it for about five minutes before throwing it back and roaring with rage.

"POTTER!"

Appearantly Potter had made a deal with the Weasley twins as he somehow found a map of Voldemort's secret base.

The son of the most infamous prankster within Hogwarts history, allied with the red-headed troublemakers... that was a trouble all on it's own.

Potter and his gang of misfits had modified that map into their owne little version of a marauder's map and snuck into the dark lord's bases, sprayed the meeting room neon-pink, tossed dung-bombs all over the place, smashed all of Severus's potions, ripped all Bellatrix's tourture megazines, burned all Lucius's porn books (don't ask me where he got those) and snapped his cane, filled Draco's room with ferret plushies, but worst of all...

HE FILLED VOLDEMORT'S ROOM WITH _MICHEL JACKSON POSTERS!_

Potter had colored the eyes scarlet, the skin extremely pale, vanished all trace of hair on it, and drew slits on the de-formed nose!

The letter:

Hey Voldie,

When you're answering all those letters (and guess who send them), you are now in for a surprise outside!

_*list everything they had done*_

PS The Nagini says hello.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Potter<em>

_YOU. Are SO. DEAD!_

* * *

><p>Voldemort finished the letter in anger, and threw it at Hedwig, who was looking at him with a rather smug look. He looked frantically for Nagini, hoping Potter was bluffing when he said Nagini joined them.<p>

He then saw a piece of paper fluttering down. The next paper in the still huge stack that he had to deal with.

He froze when he read it. It was written in parseltongue!

_D**e**a**r **m**a**s**t**e**r**_

_I** h**a**v**e **d**e**c**i**d**e**d **t**o **j**o**i**n** t**h**e **p**o**t**t**e**r **b**r**a**t. **G**u**e**s**s**s **w**h**a**t**?** T**h**e **l**i**g**h**t** s**s**s**i**d**e** d**o**n**'**t **h**a**v**e **c**o**o**k**i**e**s**s_**s**_, **t**h**e**y **h**a**v**e **r**a**b**b**i**t**s**s**s**! **T**h**e **n**i**c**e **a**n**d **j**u**c**y **o**n**e**s**s**s**.**.**.**_

_N**a**g**i**n**i**_

* * *

><p>Voldemort growed in frustration and ripped the letter into shreds. Some letters are just not for replying.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>~finish~<br>**


End file.
